to the girls.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk to you without getting sick to my stomach.

I wonder if you will be able to look me in the face and tell me exactly what you think of me.

I wonder if I put too much blame on you and not enough on myself.

I wonder if you're jealous of me, and if jealousy is the reason you act the way you do.

I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.

I wonder if we should ever be friends again.

I wonder if you really know what you're getting into.

I wonder what you're thinking.

I wonder where God is in all of this.

I wonder why no one bothers to actually talk to one another...instead, we post these stupid blogs about how we're feeling hurt or angry or lonely or desperate to connect with that person who made us feel that way in the first place, even if only to clear the air for good...because it's safe, and because it takes such less risk than actually speaking to someone in love.

Probably because speaking to someone in love risks rejection. Because speaking in love means we surrender our right to be "even" with someone, as if that person has wounded us in such a way that calls for payback.

No one deserves payback. And no one has the right to dish it out. And regardless of how much my life has moved on, gotten better, been blessed by people who really do care about me rather than just pretending to care, I still wonder about you. I still wonder if you're okay. Although my heart has healed from all of this crap, some strong and yet forlorn little piece of it - the part that cares in spite of my prejudice - yearns to hear from you, to know how you're doing, to know if you're okay, to know if I can do anything for you.

So even though my mind is wondering all of these things I've written above...I still want to make sure - even from afar - that you're alright.

So are you? Can I do anything for you? Do you need some help?

Please let me know.

I would be happier than you would ever imagine to give it my best and mend things between us.

I feel like it's the only way that I can stop wondering.