I am feeling convicted of a lot of things tonight, and I am so grateful for it.
Thank You, God, for my roommate and Your Word and the gift of prayer and for the ways in which You take care of me and teach me. I love You...help me to prove that in my actions. I really need Your help. I also need Your help getting all these papers done...
Oh, and a shout-out to anyone reading who wants some new music to listen to - check out Jenny & Tyler on iTunes. Awesome.
Seriously, check them out. I'm not even kidding.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
where are You?
Something is wrong, and I'm not sure what it is.
I feel disconnected and I'm not sure why. You'd think that after being so terrifyingly close to the heart of God a few months ago, I would welcome this respite of not being so near "the fire."
But I miss it. It hurt and it made me re-think so many things, but I miss it.
I go to this Bible study on Wednesday nights with a group of girls that I used to be really close to, but in the past year or so, have been extremely disconnected from. Recently, that has started to change, and I still feel torn as to whether or not it's somewhere I should be. I mean, I feel like I should be there to mend those friendships (and to let those friendships speak truth and love into my life, which some definitely do), but I often disagree with what is said there. I don't disagree out loud - which is weird for me, I know - but my heart just feels twisted up in knots when they begin to subtly rejoice that one of my dear friends is resigning from his job. They rejoice because they felt neglected by him this past summer while he was in said position.
Yes, that happened tonight. And yes, I wanted so very badly to just stand up and demand why they felt like they could act in such a way or say such things when they were the ones who had neglected to care for me the summer before that.
But instead, I sat and listened. I actually sat next to the girl who played the victim in the situation where I actually was the victim two summers ago. And I said nothing as they smiled and nodded knowingly at one another.
Does this bitterness mean that I haven't forgiven them? Or does the fact that I know I have no right to say or do anything because of my own sin mean that I have forgiven them?
I just keep going in circles. Circles of "what does it mean to forgive?" Circles of "have I really forgiven?" Circles of "how do I know if I've really forgiven someone?"
Jesus, I need You to guide me out of the circles.
Actually, I just need You.
I need You to still my heart when it feels like it's being rent in pieces. I need You when I begin to reach the end of my rope from being the "bridge" between the spheres of my life - the Lone Star sphere, the Concordia sphere, the Kingwood sphere, my family and closest friends sphere, and trying to reconcile all of them together in my head.
It's just too hard, God. It's so hard to try and help them to all get along. Why do You want me to be this mediator between all of these people and all of these relationships?
And why are You doing it when it feels like You aren't even here?
I feel disconnected and I'm not sure why. You'd think that after being so terrifyingly close to the heart of God a few months ago, I would welcome this respite of not being so near "the fire."
But I miss it. It hurt and it made me re-think so many things, but I miss it.
I go to this Bible study on Wednesday nights with a group of girls that I used to be really close to, but in the past year or so, have been extremely disconnected from. Recently, that has started to change, and I still feel torn as to whether or not it's somewhere I should be. I mean, I feel like I should be there to mend those friendships (and to let those friendships speak truth and love into my life, which some definitely do), but I often disagree with what is said there. I don't disagree out loud - which is weird for me, I know - but my heart just feels twisted up in knots when they begin to subtly rejoice that one of my dear friends is resigning from his job. They rejoice because they felt neglected by him this past summer while he was in said position.
Yes, that happened tonight. And yes, I wanted so very badly to just stand up and demand why they felt like they could act in such a way or say such things when they were the ones who had neglected to care for me the summer before that.
But instead, I sat and listened. I actually sat next to the girl who played the victim in the situation where I actually was the victim two summers ago. And I said nothing as they smiled and nodded knowingly at one another.
Does this bitterness mean that I haven't forgiven them? Or does the fact that I know I have no right to say or do anything because of my own sin mean that I have forgiven them?
I just keep going in circles. Circles of "what does it mean to forgive?" Circles of "have I really forgiven?" Circles of "how do I know if I've really forgiven someone?"
Jesus, I need You to guide me out of the circles.
Actually, I just need You.
I need You to still my heart when it feels like it's being rent in pieces. I need You when I begin to reach the end of my rope from being the "bridge" between the spheres of my life - the Lone Star sphere, the Concordia sphere, the Kingwood sphere, my family and closest friends sphere, and trying to reconcile all of them together in my head.
It's just too hard, God. It's so hard to try and help them to all get along. Why do You want me to be this mediator between all of these people and all of these relationships?
And why are You doing it when it feels like You aren't even here?
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