more BD for your hearts

the orphan clings to Your hand
singing the song of how he was found
the widow rejoices
for her oppressors are silenced now

the runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
the rich man is broken
when he stares into a sky full of stars

You sit at the table
with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories
with the thief and the whore
when You could just be silent
and leave us here to die
still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Who I Am Not

I saw this picture for the first time in a long time yesterday. And even though I know it's a picture of me, looking at the girl in this shot seems like looking into a part of someone else's life.
This girl, when this shot had been taken, hadn't eaten anything for at least four days. She had thrown a ring onto a fast-moving highway in a temper and put on the pictured one out of spite. She had cut off her hair rashly and in (even if she didn't admit it) shame. She had talked and talked and talked for about a day until she cried...and then she didn't talk much at all. She did not want to be sitting in that room. She did not want to be photographed. She did not want to laugh. She was struggling with the closest things she had ever felt to hatred and depression. She just wanted to be left alone.
That weekend, however, a pat on the back and a kind word sparked hope in her again. A walk and a conversation in the freezing night showed her that people thought about her and wanted her to be okay. A lot of time outside, away from the city and away from people, showed her that God, above all, wanted her to be okay more than she herself wanted to be okay.
This girl, interestingly, also had an impossibly clean dorm room during that next semester. Her room now, however, is usually pretty messy. Not only because she's busier than that year, but also because she no longer worries about someone walking in and being unimpressed with yet another thing in her life (such as a dirty room). She now has freedom to smile and know that she is loved and daily encouraged. She now has the calm to be cheerful and convinced that God's freedom is for her and for those who hurt her now and then. And what's more, that freedom gives her the strength to laugh and welcome people into her presence without a shudder or a second thought. This girl is loved beyond what she thought she would ever have in her life...and much more than she knows she deserves.
That's why looking at this picture seems like looking at someone else.
That girl isn't me anymore.

Light Shining Down

I'm fighting some hateful feelings that I really don't like right now. But Bethany Dillon's music is rocking my world.

the Calmer of the sea
here in this room with me
so gently welcoming
the weakest things in me
You are the blood over
the door of my heart
what pain You've spared me from!
how could I know at all?

o, Wonderful Love! You died for me!
the power of Your life is in me

Father, let Your light shine down on me
Father, let Your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father, let Your light shine down on me

Jesus Christ is ris'n today, Alleluia!

I love Easter. I mean, think about it...Jesus is alive, there are flowers EVERYWHERE, lots of pretty colors, cute kids, some of my favorite church hymns, people are happy, and I get to eat Peeps and German and Wendish (German potatoes, German chocolate cake, Wendish pickles, etc) food. I even got a Wendish-painted easter egg in my basket today!
Man, I just love Easter.
And what's more, I love the reason it exists.

Home

Running: something I have always enjoyed, but something I enjoy even more with an iPod. I ran nearly three miles today just because I was jamming out to Bethany Dillon. Her music is so joyful and honest and uplifting - I found myself actually singing along and pumping my fist up in the air (really) as I was jogging along. I'm never that motivated when I'm running. I guess it's because I resonate so much with Bethany Dillon. She's a few months younger than I am and she's getting married in less than two weeks. I admire her extreme honesty in her songs and her gentle humility in being praised (while still knowing that she is incredible), and the fact that she has the bravery and maturity to be engaged and married at age 19. I've never been one to feel the need to write a letter to any celebrity or singer before, but now I do. I feel as though if I met Bethany, we'd probably have a lot in common.
Anyway, after I went running this morning, I took a shower, ate lunch, did a Mystic Tan thing (which was pretty cool - no cancer box), went to the grocery store with Mom, read, took a nap, went and hung out with my sister, came home, ate dinner, did some Good Friday devotions in my room, and then did nothing. I love being at home. But man...I miss that boy I like quite a bit. I am so blessed to have him.
Oh, and my roommate got engaged tonight.
And Jesus died for my sins. I will never understand this. Even on days when it seems more real to me, like today.
I will never understand real love. I hope Jesus is okay with that.

Things I Recently Realized

Things I have realized over Spring Break:
1. I hate spring in Houston. Actually, it just hates me. And my respiratory system.
2. Dan in Real Life is one of my favorite movies in the world.
3. That I know my best friend is officially my best friend when we can drive places in complete comfortable silence. And because she's been with me for over five years now. I think that's the longest ongoing relationship I've ever had with someone beyond my family.
4. Money is not the end-all of life. Even if it feels like it sometimes.
5. Being grown up is something I will never totally figure out.
6. That it's been a long time since I've had more than one really close girlfriend. It feels good to be able to trust girls again.
7. I miss my family. And being at home. But I will admit...it will be very different for me to be living with them this summer instead of being at camp.
8. Going to bookstores and spending hours in them is one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.
9. People are endlessly complicated. This isn't a recent realization, but an ongoing one.
10. Sometimes you just know. Don't you?

Lucky woman? Right here.

I am constantly amazed at how uplifting, pure, and encouraging my boyfriend really is. I will never cease to be blown away by how much he truly cares for people and their unity and Christ's body working together for Christ's purpose. I learn so much from him every day of my life that I am blessed to experience with him. I mean, how can a man who is SO purposeful in making sure that God is his forever guide be unsuccessful in doing what he is passionate about and led to? My boyfriend is an amazing leader, and he unites more people than he thinks he does. And he definitely unites more people than some people think he does.
But they will see, my dear readers, whoever you are.
They and the world will see. =]

CS Lewis

'The children got out of the boat and waded - not towards the wave but southward with the wall of water on their left. They could not have told you why they did this; it was their fate. And though they had felt - and been - very grown up on the Dawn Treader, they now felt just the opposite and held hands as they waded through the lilies. They never felt tired. The water was warm and all the time it got shallower. At last they were on dry sand, and then on grass - a huge plain of very fine short grass, almost level with the Silver Sea and spreading in every direction without so much as a molehill.
And of course, as it always does in a perfectly flat place without trees, it looked as if the sky came down to meet the grass in front of them. But as they went on they got the strangest impression that here at least the sky did really come down and join the earth - a blue wall, very bright, but real and solid, more like glass than anything else. And soon they were quite sure of it. It was very near now.
But between them and the foot of the sky there was something so white on the green grass that even with their eagles' eyes they could hardly look at it. They came on and saw that it was a Lamb.
"Come and have breakfast," said the Lamb in its sweet, milky voice.
Then they noticed for the first time that there was a fire lit on the grass and fish roasting on it. They sat down and ate the fish, hungry now for the first time for many days. And it was the most delicious food they had ever tasted.
"Please, Lamb," said Lucy, "is this the way to Aslan's country?"
"Not for you," said the Lamb. "For you the door into Aslan's country is from your own world."
"What!" said Edmund. "is there a way into Aslan's country from our world too?"
"There is a way into my country from all the worlds," said the Lamb; but as he spoke his snowy white flushed into tawny gold and his size changed and he was Aslan himself, towering above them and scattering light from his mane.
"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?"
"I shall be telling you all the time," said Aslan. "But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder. And now come; I will open the door in the sky and send you to your own land."
"Please, Aslan," said Lucy. "Before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do make it soon."
"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."
"Oh Aslan!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.
"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."
"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear heart," said Aslan.
"Are-are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I Am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."
"And is Eustace never to come back here, either?" said Lucy.
"Child," said Aslan, "do you really need to know that? Come, I am opening the door in the sky." Then all in one moment there was a rending of the blue wall (like a curtain being torn) and a terrible white light from beyond the sky, and the feel of Aslan's mane and a Lion's kiss on their foreheads and then - the back bedroom in Aunt Alberta's home at Cambridge.'


The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is the best fairy tale I've read in a long time...I almost cried reading this last part. If you've never read the Chronicles (as I never had before I took a class here that required it) I strongly suggest you do. This one is my favorite so far. I'll let you know how the other four that I haven't read yet turn out.

Continual good?

Go vote today in the primaries, Texans! Well, learn about the candidates, and then go vote.
I find it funny a lot of the time that when I'm having a good day or a string of good days, I never tell anyone about it. Almost like if I do, the good will suddenly take a drastic turn for the worst.
Well, I'm stepping out. I had a good day yesterday and I just aced a test this morning...
Here's to hoping it stays that way!

YESSSSSSSSSS

I got my scholarship renewed!
God is so good, all the time!

Scandalous

We sang this song a few weeks ago in Echo, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Something about calling the death of Christ scandalous really resounds with me. Because it really was scandalous...betrayal, bribes, murder. I'm learning in Christian Imagination (one of my classes) that the Gospel is the only "true myth," or story that connects the mythical with reality. The death and resurrection of Jesus is DRAMA. Which is funny, because I hate drama in my own life...but Jesus was all about the drama. He was all about shocking the Pharisees and reaching out to the hated. Jesus' earthly story was full of mercy, death, sickness, miracles, rescue, sorrow, evil villains, beauty, spiritual forces, a king and his disciples, etc...

Jesus' story of rescue is the best fairy tale. And the little girl in me loves that. =]

go on up to the mountain of mercy
to the crimson perpetual tide

kneel down on the shore
be thirsty no more
go under and be purified

follow Christ to the holy mountain
sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
cleanse your heart and your soul
in the fountain that flows
for you and for me and for all

on the hillside, you will be delivered
at the foot of the cross justified
and your spirit restored
by the river that poured
from our blessed Savior's side

at the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
on that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
on that beautiful, scandalous night