"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."
1 John 4:17-18, The Message
This is both incredibly convicting and incredibly comforting to me.
I'm afraid of facing some things from my past, because I will have to re-live the pain. But why am I afraid of the pain? Perfect love casts out fear.
That doesn't make the pain any less vivid, but it does make it easier to give away. It makes it easier to know that my identity isn't bound to the pain. I don't have to own it and control it. It's not mine. It's just a culmination of things that have loaded up in my life, not something that I was born with and made to be.
I have someone in my life who is brave enough to punch through the walls the pain has created, so that he can help me to toss away the poisonous things from my past. He is truly my earthly "grace with clothes on." And he has helped me to remember and really believe that I have always had Someone who IS Grace with Clothes On.
I plan on singing love - instead of feeling fear - from now on. Eternity begins today, right?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
fear
I've always found it hard to not live with fear. I know I'm not supposed to live "in fear" because God is love and He loves me, but I have fears that are very near to my heart. I've never lost anyone dear to me, but when I see people like Brice, Dustin, Kaylin, Chloe, Shawna (all very young); a person like a husband and a father of six who was incredibly influential, admired, strong, and loving, like Mr. Eggers; or a young girl like Maria Sue Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's five year-old daughter, who was tragically killed yesterday afternoon, I wonder...am I next? Are those I love next?
I don't mean to be morbid, but these are my thoughts and, obviously, my fears. I have never been in a position of proximity to someone passing on. It scares me. I don't even know how I would respond to it. I can't even put my head in that mindset. So many of my thoughts have to do with the future - mine, Ted's, my family's, Mal's, etc., that to think that any one of them may suddenly not be there is just unfathomable. To think that I may suddenly leave everyone behind to go to a place that in my weakest moments, I am not sure about, is unfathomable. To think that I may not graduate from college, that I may not get married, that I may not have children or a house or a career or a life...?
This is my fear. These thoughts are the ones that make me nervous when those I love take long car trips, and why when I get behind the wheel, I always go the speed limit. This is why I get anxious in the passenger's seat.
I like to think that at some point, my fear won't be as close to my heart as it is now. But somehow, I don't think it will ever go away. I don't think I'll be able to live without fear. I may be able to admit that God is bigger than my circumstance and my fears, but I think they're with me for a reason. I don't presume to think that I need them to keep me from getting a big head (like Paul), but I think that I need them to keep me grounded in the here and the now because I so often strain toward tomorrow instead of enjoying today with those I still have around me.
I've been reading comments from people all around the world who are expressing their condolences to the Chapman family, and one woman told them that "Maria is not lost, because y'all know she is with her Savior," and that "she is not in your past, but your future."
For a girl who is constantly planning and straining and sprinting toward her future, this gave more comfort than trying to tell myself that God gives me only what I can handle.
Because what I can handle and what will happen to me in this life are two completely different things.
I don't mean to be morbid, but these are my thoughts and, obviously, my fears. I have never been in a position of proximity to someone passing on. It scares me. I don't even know how I would respond to it. I can't even put my head in that mindset. So many of my thoughts have to do with the future - mine, Ted's, my family's, Mal's, etc., that to think that any one of them may suddenly not be there is just unfathomable. To think that I may suddenly leave everyone behind to go to a place that in my weakest moments, I am not sure about, is unfathomable. To think that I may not graduate from college, that I may not get married, that I may not have children or a house or a career or a life...?
This is my fear. These thoughts are the ones that make me nervous when those I love take long car trips, and why when I get behind the wheel, I always go the speed limit. This is why I get anxious in the passenger's seat.
I like to think that at some point, my fear won't be as close to my heart as it is now. But somehow, I don't think it will ever go away. I don't think I'll be able to live without fear. I may be able to admit that God is bigger than my circumstance and my fears, but I think they're with me for a reason. I don't presume to think that I need them to keep me from getting a big head (like Paul), but I think that I need them to keep me grounded in the here and the now because I so often strain toward tomorrow instead of enjoying today with those I still have around me.
I've been reading comments from people all around the world who are expressing their condolences to the Chapman family, and one woman told them that "Maria is not lost, because y'all know she is with her Savior," and that "she is not in your past, but your future."
For a girl who is constantly planning and straining and sprinting toward her future, this gave more comfort than trying to tell myself that God gives me only what I can handle.
Because what I can handle and what will happen to me in this life are two completely different things.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
mmmmmm
Whole Foods.
Let me just express my love for this store for a moment. An Austin-based place where gluten-free meets organic, where beautiful fresh flowers meets every type of trail mix ingredient you could ever need, meets fresh produce and really good cheeses, and at some point, really good wines. Mostly all local.
Add REI, Anthropologie, a bookstore, and Jamba Juice nearby?
Heaven. Or it should be in Heaven. I like to think that it will be in part of it. Along with a huge dance hall with good Texas country music, a clean and sunny park with lots of oak trees and a barbecue pit area, and a big, clear tank to go swimming in. And all my friends and family. I can't wait.
But on Earth today, I have further job orientation at 5:30. Hooray. =/
Let me just express my love for this store for a moment. An Austin-based place where gluten-free meets organic, where beautiful fresh flowers meets every type of trail mix ingredient you could ever need, meets fresh produce and really good cheeses, and at some point, really good wines. Mostly all local.
Add REI, Anthropologie, a bookstore, and Jamba Juice nearby?
Heaven. Or it should be in Heaven. I like to think that it will be in part of it. Along with a huge dance hall with good Texas country music, a clean and sunny park with lots of oak trees and a barbecue pit area, and a big, clear tank to go swimming in. And all my friends and family. I can't wait.
But on Earth today, I have further job orientation at 5:30. Hooray. =/
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I miss him.
Is it wrong that my heart is so firmly fixed in Kingwood? I hope not. Because it's there and it's not going anywhere else fast.
I'm looking forward to my birthday, and to all the fun things I get to do when I'm not at work this summer. I'm just praying lifeguarding itself is bearable. It's hard for me to remember that God has things for me to do and people for me to meet this summer as well as developing my existing relationships even more deeply. Especially one.
My friends Jason and Ashley are engaged. Finally. After four and a half years of dating. I'm excited that I get to see them and catch up with them this Friday night. And Mal left today to vacation in Indiana for two weeks, so I'll go and pick her up when she gets back, right before Paige's graduation party. Which, speaking of, I have to go finish the deck for.
It's going to be a long summer. A good one, hopefully, but a long one.
And I'm still lonely a lot of the time. Going to Kingwood this weekend didn't help that much, although Kir's bridal shower was a lot of fun. But it did help me to remember that I'm doing what I'm doing for a purpose.
Even if it doesn't feel like it.
I'm looking forward to my birthday, and to all the fun things I get to do when I'm not at work this summer. I'm just praying lifeguarding itself is bearable. It's hard for me to remember that God has things for me to do and people for me to meet this summer as well as developing my existing relationships even more deeply. Especially one.
My friends Jason and Ashley are engaged. Finally. After four and a half years of dating. I'm excited that I get to see them and catch up with them this Friday night. And Mal left today to vacation in Indiana for two weeks, so I'll go and pick her up when she gets back, right before Paige's graduation party. Which, speaking of, I have to go finish the deck for.
It's going to be a long summer. A good one, hopefully, but a long one.
And I'm still lonely a lot of the time. Going to Kingwood this weekend didn't help that much, although Kir's bridal shower was a lot of fun. But it did help me to remember that I'm doing what I'm doing for a purpose.
Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Do I really want to?
http://augsburg1530.wordpress.com/
These people make me want to leave the LCMS for good.
Do I really want to be Lutheran, rather than Christian?
Not really.
In fact, not at all.
These people make me want to leave the LCMS for good.
Do I really want to be Lutheran, rather than Christian?
Not really.
In fact, not at all.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Lonely
The beginning of this summer has brought me a few realizations:
I didn't let myself acknowledge how nervous I am about my ministry field until just about...oh, a few minutes ago. I feel like I'm stepping back in time to my high school years, but in a way that lets me see people for who they really are and what they really struggle with, instead of wearing my "high school" blinders and making a big deal out of things. Did that make sense? I hope so. I'm just nervous about the people, the job, me making mistakes...and we all know how I am with mistakes. Jesus help me.
It's nice living at home again, but I didn't realize how lonely I would be without someone to really talk to. I love my family, but I have to be careful about what I talk about with them, lest they start disliking me being around again (i.e. talking about church, worship, people's struggles rather than their actions, etc.).
I'm pretty bored most of the time. I miss people, especially Mal and Ted and Kirstin. And I know that once lifeguarding starts and I get to go see people again and all that, things will be better. And...I'm trying to think on the positive parts of being home. I'm saving money for my future, which seems so much closer now that school is over for this year. And for that, I am extremely thankful, happy, and excited. I can't wait for my future to really begin.
I miss the affection and support and conversation and laughter...but in all, I just wish I was more busy so that I didn't have time to dwell on Ted not being here.
Do I sound ungrateful for my home and my family? I hope not. I do love them, very much, and I am very happy to be here this summer, to spend time with them and rebuild our relationships. I guess I just need a way to be heard without judgment, which is pretty scarce on the ground...
Oh, and P.S. I kicked butt on my GPA for this year. Take that, Concordia.
I didn't let myself acknowledge how nervous I am about my ministry field until just about...oh, a few minutes ago. I feel like I'm stepping back in time to my high school years, but in a way that lets me see people for who they really are and what they really struggle with, instead of wearing my "high school" blinders and making a big deal out of things. Did that make sense? I hope so. I'm just nervous about the people, the job, me making mistakes...and we all know how I am with mistakes. Jesus help me.
It's nice living at home again, but I didn't realize how lonely I would be without someone to really talk to. I love my family, but I have to be careful about what I talk about with them, lest they start disliking me being around again (i.e. talking about church, worship, people's struggles rather than their actions, etc.).
I'm pretty bored most of the time. I miss people, especially Mal and Ted and Kirstin. And I know that once lifeguarding starts and I get to go see people again and all that, things will be better. And...I'm trying to think on the positive parts of being home. I'm saving money for my future, which seems so much closer now that school is over for this year. And for that, I am extremely thankful, happy, and excited. I can't wait for my future to really begin.
I miss the affection and support and conversation and laughter...but in all, I just wish I was more busy so that I didn't have time to dwell on Ted not being here.
Do I sound ungrateful for my home and my family? I hope not. I do love them, very much, and I am very happy to be here this summer, to spend time with them and rebuild our relationships. I guess I just need a way to be heard without judgment, which is pretty scarce on the ground...
Oh, and P.S. I kicked butt on my GPA for this year. Take that, Concordia.
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