Lonely

The beginning of this summer has brought me a few realizations:

I didn't let myself acknowledge how nervous I am about my ministry field until just about...oh, a few minutes ago. I feel like I'm stepping back in time to my high school years, but in a way that lets me see people for who they really are and what they really struggle with, instead of wearing my "high school" blinders and making a big deal out of things. Did that make sense? I hope so. I'm just nervous about the people, the job, me making mistakes...and we all know how I am with mistakes. Jesus help me.

It's nice living at home again, but I didn't realize how lonely I would be without someone to really talk to. I love my family, but I have to be careful about what I talk about with them, lest they start disliking me being around again (i.e. talking about church, worship, people's struggles rather than their actions, etc.).

I'm pretty bored most of the time. I miss people, especially Mal and Ted and Kirstin. And I know that once lifeguarding starts and I get to go see people again and all that, things will be better. And...I'm trying to think on the positive parts of being home. I'm saving money for my future, which seems so much closer now that school is over for this year. And for that, I am extremely thankful, happy, and excited. I can't wait for my future to really begin.

I miss the affection and support and conversation and laughter...but in all, I just wish I was more busy so that I didn't have time to dwell on Ted not being here.

Do I sound ungrateful for my home and my family? I hope not. I do love them, very much, and I am very happy to be here this summer, to spend time with them and rebuild our relationships. I guess I just need a way to be heard without judgment, which is pretty scarce on the ground...


Oh, and P.S. I kicked butt on my GPA for this year. Take that, Concordia.