fear

I've always found it hard to not live with fear. I know I'm not supposed to live "in fear" because God is love and He loves me, but I have fears that are very near to my heart. I've never lost anyone dear to me, but when I see people like Brice, Dustin, Kaylin, Chloe, Shawna (all very young); a person like a husband and a father of six who was incredibly influential, admired, strong, and loving, like Mr. Eggers; or a young girl like Maria Sue Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's five year-old daughter, who was tragically killed yesterday afternoon, I wonder...am I next? Are those I love next?
I don't mean to be morbid, but these are my thoughts and, obviously, my fears. I have never been in a position of proximity to someone passing on. It scares me. I don't even know how I would respond to it. I can't even put my head in that mindset. So many of my thoughts have to do with the future - mine, Ted's, my family's, Mal's, etc., that to think that any one of them may suddenly not be there is just unfathomable. To think that I may suddenly leave everyone behind to go to a place that in my weakest moments, I am not sure about, is unfathomable. To think that I may not graduate from college, that I may not get married, that I may not have children or a house or a career or a life...?
This is my fear. These thoughts are the ones that make me nervous when those I love take long car trips, and why when I get behind the wheel, I always go the speed limit. This is why I get anxious in the passenger's seat.
I like to think that at some point, my fear won't be as close to my heart as it is now. But somehow, I don't think it will ever go away. I don't think I'll be able to live without fear. I may be able to admit that God is bigger than my circumstance and my fears, but I think they're with me for a reason. I don't presume to think that I need them to keep me from getting a big head (like Paul), but I think that I need them to keep me grounded in the here and the now because I so often strain toward tomorrow instead of enjoying today with those I still have around me.
I've been reading comments from people all around the world who are expressing their condolences to the Chapman family, and one woman told them that "Maria is not lost, because y'all know she is with her Savior," and that "she is not in your past, but your future."
For a girl who is constantly planning and straining and sprinting toward her future, this gave more comfort than trying to tell myself that God gives me only what I can handle.
Because what I can handle and what will happen to me in this life are two completely different things.