Bring It

Remedy to strings of arguments: sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.
Remedy to life as I know it right now: sleep. Lots and lots and LOTS of sleep.
I've made it through studying for and taking two finals, packing up nearly my entire room, working through some hard junk in relationships, dealing with a friend I trusted back out on me for next year, doing nearly a zillion errands around campus, and keeping my trap shut for an entire month or so when I'm around my roommates. And now I can't bring myself to finish studying for my last two finals?
I've noticed in the past few months that I no longer have the inspiration to take pictures. Pictures are so important to me. A bit like songs are, if you read my last post. In fact, there have recently been days when I wake up and don't seem to have much to look forward to at all.
I've made my goal list for the summer, and I'm ready to begin working on them. Building deeper relationships with people, losing weight, spending more time outside, getting a tan (inevitable in summer, I know), volunteer, maybe actually learn how to play my guitar, do some significant work on my reading list...
and buying a DSLR.
It's time I reclaim my gifts, don't you think?
Bring it on, God.

(The picture is one of the headshots I did for Ashlee recently.)

Loves Even Me

I got purple irises yesterday and they're blooming now. =]
I have two days of class, two papers, one presentation, four finals, and packing between me and summer. From here, that doesn't look too bad. Especially if I throw a lovely Anna coming to visit this weekend and Brian Regan on Sunday in the mix!
Oh, and I can't sleep.
This song, which has been a comfort to me in many situations, has been stuck in my head all day. Y'know, when you wake up and you already have a melody in your head? The ones that end up in mine usually mean something or other...I've come to realize that one of the games God likes to play with me is one of song lyrics. He pulls out the dukes when I'm too comfortable and reassures me when I'm disturbed...with songs. Really. For years, it's been that way.
Anyway, I'm fairly sure it will be something I sing to my children.

God loves me dearly, grants me salvation;
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

I was in bondage, sin, death, and darkness;
God’s love was working to make me free.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

He sent forth Jesus, that true Redeemer;
He sent forth Jesus and set me free.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

exhausted

I've been emotionally and physically exhausted for the past week...it's been rough.
But I have to believe there is some good left in the things and institutions and people who make me tired.
I need to believe it.
Otherwise, there's no hope for a crappy person like me.

He loves me =]

I was very tired today...but God romanced me in ways that He knows speak straight to my soul.

*My mom came to my dorm unexpectedly to bring me home-cooked food...and she cleaned my bathroom, my front room, did all the dishes, and put some of my clothes in the wash for me! And she left me $11 on my desk, along with a note! I love my mom...and it makes me laugh how much we are alike in our cleaning habits. =]

*There was a devotion presentation on Sam Gamgee, my favorite Lord of the Rings character, today in Christian Imagination. I started tearing up because they read example excerpts which illustrated his servant heart aloud to the class...and I realized that Jesus, the ultimate servant, will never let me go to Mordor alone, to the point of carrying me when I have no strength left to go on. (Yeah, I'm a nerd. Get over it.)

*I also started crying a bit in Pauline Epistles today because I decided to carry along my Message bible. We studied 1 Corinthians 7, and part of it, in that particular translation, struck every heart string that was tense within me:
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."
1 Cor 7:17
I found it odd at first that this particular passage hit me so hard, but after all of these engagements...it was definitely what this over-emotional, prone-to-jealousy girl needed to hear. I am content where I am. I am in love. That is enough for me, because God is my portion, and He is worth waiting for, just like the rest of my life and the man who will be in it for the long run.

*And this song:

"Slow down, darling, slow down
There ain't no reason you gotta be moving around like that
There ain't no reason you gotta be moving so, so fast
Slow down
Slow down"
- Shawn McDonald; Slow Down

It doesn't matter

No matter how many times I wash all the dishes myself, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am woken up at 4 AM by loud noises, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am forgotten, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I find my food is missing, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I have to buy the toilet paper, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I clean and sanitize the front room and the bathroom by myself, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I overhear gossip about myself or my friends, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am belittled or snapped out, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I feel unappreciated, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am the only person to take out the trash without being asked, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am made to feel naive, inadequate, or stupid by those who feel they have more experience or intelligence or maturity, I will forgive.
None of that matters when I consider that Jesus loves me as much as everyone else on this planet. None of that matters when I know that I am also guilty of being the one who hurts or belittles or is inhospitable about cleaning up after myself. These are the days that the Lord has made...I have very few of them...and so I will rejoice in my blessings and attempt to rejoice in the things that make me so angry or frustrated or sad that I just feel like giving up.
Truly loving someone is hard. Really hard. Especially when you're living in a room the size of some peoples' closets.


'Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."'

Matthew 18:21-22

I'm ridiculous.

I really dislike classes and work right now. Work feels like I'm running around in pointless circles and classes are eating my lunch. I just want to play all day and hang out with people. Sigh.
I've noticed lately that I am a very unkind person, even if I don't verbalize my thoughts. And my prayer life and study life (the kind where the Bible ISN'T a text book...what a concept!) are lacking. This environment of all religion classes, all the time, tends to wear down my desire to seek God for my heart because most of the time, I have to seek Him for my GPA.
I don't think I would ever make it through seminary. Really.
But anyway, back to being unkind. Have you ever noticed yourself beginning to say something, and then you realize you're saying it about someone, and then you spend the rest of the day kicking yourself because you're no better than you think they are? I'm such a hypocrite. I don't understand why I just can't stop gossiping about people and verbalizing how much they irritate me and telling people why I think this person shouldn't be in that position because of such and such and such...I play back what I said earlier in the day right before I go to bed at night and I put my foot in my mouth every single time. I am no better than they are, and yet I think I am in my own little world.
I'm ridiculous. Prayers that the ridiculousness would begin to be conquered by the Word and the tact to bite my tongue would be very appreciated.


The wonder of the cross
Breathe in deeper now
Breathe in the wonder of the cross
I don't wanna move...