thankfulness

I am feeling convicted of a lot of things tonight, and I am so grateful for it.
Thank You, God, for my roommate and Your Word and the gift of prayer and for the ways in which You take care of me and teach me. I love You...help me to prove that in my actions. I really need Your help. I also need Your help getting all these papers done...
Oh, and a shout-out to anyone reading who wants some new music to listen to - check out Jenny & Tyler on iTunes. Awesome.
Seriously, check them out. I'm not even kidding.

where are You?

Something is wrong, and I'm not sure what it is.
I feel disconnected and I'm not sure why. You'd think that after being so terrifyingly close to the heart of God a few months ago, I would welcome this respite of not being so near "the fire."
But I miss it. It hurt and it made me re-think so many things, but I miss it.
I go to this Bible study on Wednesday nights with a group of girls that I used to be really close to, but in the past year or so, have been extremely disconnected from. Recently, that has started to change, and I still feel torn as to whether or not it's somewhere I should be. I mean, I feel like I should be there to mend those friendships (and to let those friendships speak truth and love into my life, which some definitely do), but I often disagree with what is said there. I don't disagree out loud - which is weird for me, I know - but my heart just feels twisted up in knots when they begin to subtly rejoice that one of my dear friends is resigning from his job. They rejoice because they felt neglected by him this past summer while he was in said position.
Yes, that happened tonight. And yes, I wanted so very badly to just stand up and demand why they felt like they could act in such a way or say such things when they were the ones who had neglected to care for me the summer before that.
But instead, I sat and listened. I actually sat next to the girl who played the victim in the situation where I actually was the victim two summers ago. And I said nothing as they smiled and nodded knowingly at one another.
Does this bitterness mean that I haven't forgiven them? Or does the fact that I know I have no right to say or do anything because of my own sin mean that I have forgiven them?
I just keep going in circles. Circles of "what does it mean to forgive?" Circles of "have I really forgiven?" Circles of "how do I know if I've really forgiven someone?"
Jesus, I need You to guide me out of the circles.
Actually, I just need You.
I need You to still my heart when it feels like it's being rent in pieces. I need You when I begin to reach the end of my rope from being the "bridge" between the spheres of my life - the Lone Star sphere, the Concordia sphere, the Kingwood sphere, my family and closest friends sphere, and trying to reconcile all of them together in my head.
It's just too hard, God. It's so hard to try and help them to all get along. Why do You want me to be this mediator between all of these people and all of these relationships?
And why are You doing it when it feels like You aren't even here?

control

"In different times and in different ways, our heavenly Father offers us a simple proposition: Follow Me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd - and you will experience Me and My power and My wisdom and My love.
Jesus beckons me to follow Him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much He loves me.
But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I'd rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn't show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don't have to take the shallow breaths of desperation."

This is from Gary Haugen (founder of International Justice Mission) in his book Just Courage.

I don't want to hand over my control. I don't want to have to apologize in complete humility. I hate humility.

Father, work in me. Lead me on. Lead me on to the places I don't want to go...

Why?

I've lately been pondering the ways Satan gets at me. Most often, it's an issue of self-worth.
I know this is something that all women struggle with (and men, too), but for me, it's more than just body image. It's all images - body, spiritual, intellectual, sociological, financial, etc. You name it, I probably don't like it about myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself...I just don't consider myself to be worth much. It's hard for me to engage in or initiate new friendships or even just be in simple conversations because I don't want to be overbearing on the other person by being too friendly or too talkative or too whatever. I'm so afraid of being too much. It amazes me (and is hard for me to comprehend) when anyone tells me that they think I'm beautiful or talented or smart. For so long, I've been burned in all of those areas. Rejected by those I've been vulnerable with. Replaced by those I consider to be much more beautiful and outgoing and intelligent than I am. Been made invisible. Been belittled. Been analyzed and put into my little box on the shelf, and not allowed to escape.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He thinks I'm worth bearing as a burden.
If you haven't noticed yet, I hate burdening people. I loathe it. I don't open up, I keep myself closed off, and I go along my lonely little way and try to scrape through and take care of myself without being a nuisance.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He put people into my life who have shown me - and walked beside me to help with the burdens - that I am worth it.
Confession, people...I'm a DCE. I love kids. I love telling kids about Jesus. I love loving them to show them that Jesus loves them.
But I don't always believe Jesus loves me.
Shocking? I know. Sorry if I just crushed your image of me. Trust me, it shouldn't have been very perfect in the first place.
I have no trouble believing that God exists. I know He exists. I've seen Him very clearly.
I have a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to Him. I think that comes from having a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to anyone else.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone else feel flabbergasted when one of the most beautiful, popular girls you know of tell you that she wishes she had your face? I just don't believe it. And I don't say that to brag about humility...I mean to say, I
really.
just.
don't.
believe.
her.
Which makes me wonder...as a DCE...actually, just as a Christian...if I did believe her...if I did believe God's promises and truly feel like His grace applies to me...
Who would I be?
Why does the devil have that particular struggle scratched into the walls of my heart? If I didn't believe him, who would I be? What would I be like?
And why is he trying to keep me from being that person?

YESSSSSSSS

Dwight Schrute: So what do we know about her?

Michael Scott: Well…we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So…strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight Schrute: I hate her too.

Michael Scott: Why do you hate her?

Dwight Schrute: Because she...stinks. With her...ways. And her...head.

Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, sometimes...I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight Schrute: Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael Scott: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought. [pause] Although, I will agree that her head is weird.

I LOVE THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

frightening

I've been thinking a lot of heavy thoughts lately, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm being drawn closer and closer to the heart of God, which is altogether strange and beautiful and frightening. I feel like my conscience, which I have always been so adept at pushing aside and hiding away, is eating away at the corners of my mind where it usually resides. I feel like the Spirit of the Most High God, Who is completely beyond and above and so far away from my sinful heart, has been pushing at the walls of my normal limits, whispering in my ear, asking me to do and say things I normally wouldn't say from lack of bravery or lack of conviction.
I feel like there is a flame in my soul that has suddenly flared up and has given me more love to feel for people than I have ever felt before.
And I don't know why I feel like I can't handle it.
I can't handle it. I just can't. I feel sometimes like I am going to explode from being so consumed with the love and grace of God because I can't open my mouth and sing it out or just put my face to the floor and weep. I struggle even to half-raise my arms in the air during worship.
What is happening to me?
What is this that keeps pulling at my mind and heart and spirit, that causes me to want to look at people the way Jesus sees them?
I should desperately covet this season of full color in my life, right? I should be rejoicing because of how clear things seem these days...
And yet...
I'm so afraid of it all. I'm so afraid of Him. I'm so afraid of accepting what He has recently given me to use for His children...
And so as a result, I've lately been more closed off than usual. And if you know me, that is first) not rare, and second) a little worrying.
I sat down to pray with someone last week and within a minute, she was crying. Bawling. Telling me about her bad day, her deepest struggles, her abusive past.
I didn't even know her last name.
I felt like I was looking at the most beautiful piece of creation God had ever made, crushed by sin and circumstance, and I felt like I wanted to just hold her and weep, because I knew how much Jesus loves her and did not feel like there were adequate words to tell her this.
I've never felt anything like this in me before. I've never felt afraid of how much I love people. I'm usually begging God to help me to love them more.
And now, when He does, I just want to curl up in my bed and hide.
I heard Him speak in me a couple of weeks ago, when school first began: "I am beginning a great work in you."

Abba, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm scared. Please help me to be vulnerable and breakable and teachable. Help me to be meek and understanding. Help me listen to Your words in my heart and carry out Your commands daily. Embolden me and carry me.



a refuge for the poor
a shelter from the storm
this is our God
He will wipe away your tears
and return your wasted years
this is our God

a father to the orphaned
a healer to the broken
this is our God
He brings peace to our madness
and comfort in our sadness
this is our God

a fountain for the thirsty
a lover for the lonely
this is our God
He brings to glory to the humble
and crowns for the faithful
this is our God

this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for...
this is our God.

You are the One we have waited for
You have been and are and always will be
the One we have waited for
You are our God.

-Tomlin

to the girls.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk to you without getting sick to my stomach.

I wonder if you will be able to look me in the face and tell me exactly what you think of me.

I wonder if I put too much blame on you and not enough on myself.

I wonder if you're jealous of me, and if jealousy is the reason you act the way you do.

I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.

I wonder if we should ever be friends again.

I wonder if you really know what you're getting into.

I wonder what you're thinking.

I wonder where God is in all of this.

I wonder why no one bothers to actually talk to one another...instead, we post these stupid blogs about how we're feeling hurt or angry or lonely or desperate to connect with that person who made us feel that way in the first place, even if only to clear the air for good...because it's safe, and because it takes such less risk than actually speaking to someone in love.

Probably because speaking to someone in love risks rejection. Because speaking in love means we surrender our right to be "even" with someone, as if that person has wounded us in such a way that calls for payback.

No one deserves payback. And no one has the right to dish it out. And regardless of how much my life has moved on, gotten better, been blessed by people who really do care about me rather than just pretending to care, I still wonder about you. I still wonder if you're okay. Although my heart has healed from all of this crap, some strong and yet forlorn little piece of it - the part that cares in spite of my prejudice - yearns to hear from you, to know how you're doing, to know if you're okay, to know if I can do anything for you.

So even though my mind is wondering all of these things I've written above...I still want to make sure - even from afar - that you're alright.

So are you? Can I do anything for you? Do you need some help?

Please let me know.

I would be happier than you would ever imagine to give it my best and mend things between us.

I feel like it's the only way that I can stop wondering.

glimpses of beauty

I think I owe everyone (or whoever reads this) an explanation of why I named my camera Bella. So, here goes:

Bella means beauty. Part of naming Bella came from the fact that A) my favorite Disney princess has long been Belle, whose dark hair, stubborn nature, and intelligence made her my favorite, and thus B) my nickname has long been Chelsey-Belle, or Belle to a certain someone. Finally, though, I named my camera Bella because C) I find that photography has become my way of trying to reflect some pale semblance of the beauty I find in everyday life. Weddings, lately, have been part of that everyday life...

A dear friend of mine described them a few days ago as her favorite way of viewing the promises that have been and will be fulfilled in Christ: that of our Savior coming and redeeming us, the church, as His bride, and seeing perfection and happiness in that union. And then, to continue the metaphor, she said that the best part of any wedding reception is the idea that this will be what Heaven is like: a party.

And those, my friends, are more beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, meaningful pictures than anything I will ever capture and harness with any camera.


In other random news...I had a dream last night that a girl who I believe would rather never speak to me again, asked to borrow my Chapstick. Is that meaningful? Please discuss.

She's here!!!!!!!

You'd think I'd given birth or something...but no. After a long time of making sure your Concordia letters are in the mail, that little children don't drown, and that the Hellion kids don't kill each other, here she is!
Meet Bella, everyone! =]

Insanity.

This week is a financially big one for me. New car, new camera, new running shoes...yes, running shoes. Good ones. Like I used to have for cross country. Why?
Because I'm running the Austin AT&T Half-Marathon in February of 2009.
I'm only telling y'all because I'll back out otherwise.
I'm insane.
Insane, I tell you.

wanderlust

I want to go somewhere next summer.
England? Kenya? Ireland? Uganda? Brazil? France? Israel? India? Kazakhstan? Costa Rica? Argentina? South Korea? Germany? Any and all of them! Even the ones I didn't mention!
I'm looking into LCMS World Vision, mission trips with ECHO at EV Free, anything CTX has to offer (Service-Learning and the Mission Club), or some kind of summer study abroad program in the UK. If anyone knows of anything...please let me know.
I like Texas, but I want to see new places. I want to see what Jesus looks like to people outside of this stubborn little Lutheran bubble.
Because I probably will like the way that they see Jesus more.

I will cry.

I have memorized corners and crannies - library couches, classrooms, chairs, benches, picnic tables, seats of concrete, bleachers, tile floors, streets - and have impressed them in my mind as important with my laughter, have surrounded them with my thoughts, filled them with my words, and stained them with my tears.
I have watched the sun come up with another heart that beats in time with mine; with another pair of eyes that have beheld me beautiful above other parts of God's creation have I watched the sun wake and stretch across millions of miles to a split highway and a tree-lined campus.
I have sung alone in joy underneath the stars on a bench that also once held heartbreak and disappointment, and I have sat before a fountain in furious, angry prayer, clenching my fists around my pride and embarrassment, and refused to let them go.
I have been kissed and I have been shunned in the same exact spot outside a mail room; I have memorized a touch on the back and etched into memory the first time I really knew why people usually don't have serious conversations in the daytime - so that you can't see into their soul through their eyes, as I have.
I have lounged in the sunlight and grass with a good book or a cell phone or a friend, and I have huddled in a corner, hidden from the winter night, waiting on a ride bound from College Station.
I have shrunk in a desk seat, hoping the person who just walked in the room would not see me (even though he walked in purposely to see me and make sure I was okay).
I have skipped down sidewalks, skipped class, run across (and sat on) roofs, danced down hallways, walked hand-in-hand through buildings, and been scared to death of someone speaking through curtains late at night on a stage.
I have stressed over, failed miserably, and completely aced tests, quizzes, papers, presentations, oral exams, and all other manner of academia, all the while knowing that what really matters are the things I learn and remember after the tests are done.
I have walked outside on a rainy day and whistled happily; I have trudged to class in bright sunshine while hiding my tears; thus, I have learned that the weather makes a difference in your mood only if you let it.
Likewise, I have learned that situations, like weather, only make a difference in your outlook on life if you let them.
I have listened to and sung music that really matters in a chapel, and have shed countless tears there, draining myself of emotion.
And sometimes, I have had no emotion at all, and have watched in surprise as another, who once embraced me with love and acceptance, has eyed me with fear and asked me to apologize for things I wish I could have actually done and apologized for, just so she would heal.
I have taken too many walks to count, both engaged in conversation and silent.
And the silence has not been exclusive to solo walks.
I have looked back on friendships and relationships that altered who I am and laughed and cried because of how they began and inevitably, ended.
I have walked through these memories, wondering how I ever thought I had a boring day in this place that has made me experience happiness, irritation, belonging, anger, contentedness, joy, learning, depression, hopelessness, grace, surprises, excitement, thoughtfulness, prayerfulness, and self-control.
I last sat alone on the top-most step of the empty chapel sanctuary, merely looking around at the loft, at the windows, at where the chairs and organ should have been, at the dusty and dented floor, at the ceiling, and at my feet. I smelled the scent of history that thousands of people have given that building, listened to its calm silence, and wiped my finger along a brick windowsill, looking out at the world through a multi-colored glass confection of Biblical symbolism.
I will cry when that building comes down. Not because it is the chapel, but because a chapel represents what my school has been for me and so many others: every building, every lawn, every bench was a chapel, every word a song, and every person a pastor. I find it incredible that God works through such a broken place as the lower corridor of IH-35; the "dot" next to UT; "the baseball field next to the highway"; "the small private school"; or, as I like to think, a place which explains a few things, gives me more questions to ask, and sends me out into the world to find God and show Him to others.
But however incredible I find it, I still find it. God is there.
I will still cry when the chapel comes down.
But it's not like any of you aren't used to me crying.
It happens quite often.

breakthrough...and tons of work ahead.

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."
1 John 4:17-18, The Message

This is both incredibly convicting and incredibly comforting to me.

I'm afraid of facing some things from my past, because I will have to re-live the pain. But why am I afraid of the pain? Perfect love casts out fear.

That doesn't make the pain any less vivid, but it does make it easier to give away. It makes it easier to know that my identity isn't bound to the pain. I don't have to own it and control it. It's not mine. It's just a culmination of things that have loaded up in my life, not something that I was born with and made to be.

I have someone in my life who is brave enough to punch through the walls the pain has created, so that he can help me to toss away the poisonous things from my past. He is truly my earthly "grace with clothes on." And he has helped me to remember and really believe that I have always had Someone who IS Grace with Clothes On.

I plan on singing love - instead of feeling fear - from now on. Eternity begins today, right?

WHEN IS IT MY TURN?!

fear

I've always found it hard to not live with fear. I know I'm not supposed to live "in fear" because God is love and He loves me, but I have fears that are very near to my heart. I've never lost anyone dear to me, but when I see people like Brice, Dustin, Kaylin, Chloe, Shawna (all very young); a person like a husband and a father of six who was incredibly influential, admired, strong, and loving, like Mr. Eggers; or a young girl like Maria Sue Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's five year-old daughter, who was tragically killed yesterday afternoon, I wonder...am I next? Are those I love next?
I don't mean to be morbid, but these are my thoughts and, obviously, my fears. I have never been in a position of proximity to someone passing on. It scares me. I don't even know how I would respond to it. I can't even put my head in that mindset. So many of my thoughts have to do with the future - mine, Ted's, my family's, Mal's, etc., that to think that any one of them may suddenly not be there is just unfathomable. To think that I may suddenly leave everyone behind to go to a place that in my weakest moments, I am not sure about, is unfathomable. To think that I may not graduate from college, that I may not get married, that I may not have children or a house or a career or a life...?
This is my fear. These thoughts are the ones that make me nervous when those I love take long car trips, and why when I get behind the wheel, I always go the speed limit. This is why I get anxious in the passenger's seat.
I like to think that at some point, my fear won't be as close to my heart as it is now. But somehow, I don't think it will ever go away. I don't think I'll be able to live without fear. I may be able to admit that God is bigger than my circumstance and my fears, but I think they're with me for a reason. I don't presume to think that I need them to keep me from getting a big head (like Paul), but I think that I need them to keep me grounded in the here and the now because I so often strain toward tomorrow instead of enjoying today with those I still have around me.
I've been reading comments from people all around the world who are expressing their condolences to the Chapman family, and one woman told them that "Maria is not lost, because y'all know she is with her Savior," and that "she is not in your past, but your future."
For a girl who is constantly planning and straining and sprinting toward her future, this gave more comfort than trying to tell myself that God gives me only what I can handle.
Because what I can handle and what will happen to me in this life are two completely different things.

mmmmmm

Whole Foods.
Let me just express my love for this store for a moment. An Austin-based place where gluten-free meets organic, where beautiful fresh flowers meets every type of trail mix ingredient you could ever need, meets fresh produce and really good cheeses, and at some point, really good wines. Mostly all local.
Add REI, Anthropologie, a bookstore, and Jamba Juice nearby?
Heaven. Or it should be in Heaven. I like to think that it will be in part of it. Along with a huge dance hall with good Texas country music, a clean and sunny park with lots of oak trees and a barbecue pit area, and a big, clear tank to go swimming in. And all my friends and family. I can't wait.
But on Earth today, I have further job orientation at 5:30. Hooray. =/

I miss him.

Is it wrong that my heart is so firmly fixed in Kingwood? I hope not. Because it's there and it's not going anywhere else fast.
I'm looking forward to my birthday, and to all the fun things I get to do when I'm not at work this summer. I'm just praying lifeguarding itself is bearable. It's hard for me to remember that God has things for me to do and people for me to meet this summer as well as developing my existing relationships even more deeply. Especially one.
My friends Jason and Ashley are engaged. Finally. After four and a half years of dating. I'm excited that I get to see them and catch up with them this Friday night. And Mal left today to vacation in Indiana for two weeks, so I'll go and pick her up when she gets back, right before Paige's graduation party. Which, speaking of, I have to go finish the deck for.
It's going to be a long summer. A good one, hopefully, but a long one.
And I'm still lonely a lot of the time. Going to Kingwood this weekend didn't help that much, although Kir's bridal shower was a lot of fun. But it did help me to remember that I'm doing what I'm doing for a purpose.
Even if it doesn't feel like it.

Do I really want to?

http://augsburg1530.wordpress.com/

These people make me want to leave the LCMS for good.
Do I really want to be Lutheran, rather than Christian?
Not really.
In fact, not at all.

I'm not sure I can make it through two more weeks of doing nothing.
I feel like I'm on the verge of crying every hour or so if I let myself think about how no one is around.
I just want someone to hug me and make me laugh again.

Lonely

The beginning of this summer has brought me a few realizations:

I didn't let myself acknowledge how nervous I am about my ministry field until just about...oh, a few minutes ago. I feel like I'm stepping back in time to my high school years, but in a way that lets me see people for who they really are and what they really struggle with, instead of wearing my "high school" blinders and making a big deal out of things. Did that make sense? I hope so. I'm just nervous about the people, the job, me making mistakes...and we all know how I am with mistakes. Jesus help me.

It's nice living at home again, but I didn't realize how lonely I would be without someone to really talk to. I love my family, but I have to be careful about what I talk about with them, lest they start disliking me being around again (i.e. talking about church, worship, people's struggles rather than their actions, etc.).

I'm pretty bored most of the time. I miss people, especially Mal and Ted and Kirstin. And I know that once lifeguarding starts and I get to go see people again and all that, things will be better. And...I'm trying to think on the positive parts of being home. I'm saving money for my future, which seems so much closer now that school is over for this year. And for that, I am extremely thankful, happy, and excited. I can't wait for my future to really begin.

I miss the affection and support and conversation and laughter...but in all, I just wish I was more busy so that I didn't have time to dwell on Ted not being here.

Do I sound ungrateful for my home and my family? I hope not. I do love them, very much, and I am very happy to be here this summer, to spend time with them and rebuild our relationships. I guess I just need a way to be heard without judgment, which is pretty scarce on the ground...


Oh, and P.S. I kicked butt on my GPA for this year. Take that, Concordia.

Bring It

Remedy to strings of arguments: sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.
Remedy to life as I know it right now: sleep. Lots and lots and LOTS of sleep.
I've made it through studying for and taking two finals, packing up nearly my entire room, working through some hard junk in relationships, dealing with a friend I trusted back out on me for next year, doing nearly a zillion errands around campus, and keeping my trap shut for an entire month or so when I'm around my roommates. And now I can't bring myself to finish studying for my last two finals?
I've noticed in the past few months that I no longer have the inspiration to take pictures. Pictures are so important to me. A bit like songs are, if you read my last post. In fact, there have recently been days when I wake up and don't seem to have much to look forward to at all.
I've made my goal list for the summer, and I'm ready to begin working on them. Building deeper relationships with people, losing weight, spending more time outside, getting a tan (inevitable in summer, I know), volunteer, maybe actually learn how to play my guitar, do some significant work on my reading list...
and buying a DSLR.
It's time I reclaim my gifts, don't you think?
Bring it on, God.

(The picture is one of the headshots I did for Ashlee recently.)

Loves Even Me

I got purple irises yesterday and they're blooming now. =]
I have two days of class, two papers, one presentation, four finals, and packing between me and summer. From here, that doesn't look too bad. Especially if I throw a lovely Anna coming to visit this weekend and Brian Regan on Sunday in the mix!
Oh, and I can't sleep.
This song, which has been a comfort to me in many situations, has been stuck in my head all day. Y'know, when you wake up and you already have a melody in your head? The ones that end up in mine usually mean something or other...I've come to realize that one of the games God likes to play with me is one of song lyrics. He pulls out the dukes when I'm too comfortable and reassures me when I'm disturbed...with songs. Really. For years, it's been that way.
Anyway, I'm fairly sure it will be something I sing to my children.

God loves me dearly, grants me salvation;
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

I was in bondage, sin, death, and darkness;
God’s love was working to make me free.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

He sent forth Jesus, that true Redeemer;
He sent forth Jesus and set me free.

Therefore I’ll say again: God loves me dearly,
God loves me dearly, loves even me.

exhausted

I've been emotionally and physically exhausted for the past week...it's been rough.
But I have to believe there is some good left in the things and institutions and people who make me tired.
I need to believe it.
Otherwise, there's no hope for a crappy person like me.

He loves me =]

I was very tired today...but God romanced me in ways that He knows speak straight to my soul.

*My mom came to my dorm unexpectedly to bring me home-cooked food...and she cleaned my bathroom, my front room, did all the dishes, and put some of my clothes in the wash for me! And she left me $11 on my desk, along with a note! I love my mom...and it makes me laugh how much we are alike in our cleaning habits. =]

*There was a devotion presentation on Sam Gamgee, my favorite Lord of the Rings character, today in Christian Imagination. I started tearing up because they read example excerpts which illustrated his servant heart aloud to the class...and I realized that Jesus, the ultimate servant, will never let me go to Mordor alone, to the point of carrying me when I have no strength left to go on. (Yeah, I'm a nerd. Get over it.)

*I also started crying a bit in Pauline Epistles today because I decided to carry along my Message bible. We studied 1 Corinthians 7, and part of it, in that particular translation, struck every heart string that was tense within me:
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."
1 Cor 7:17
I found it odd at first that this particular passage hit me so hard, but after all of these engagements...it was definitely what this over-emotional, prone-to-jealousy girl needed to hear. I am content where I am. I am in love. That is enough for me, because God is my portion, and He is worth waiting for, just like the rest of my life and the man who will be in it for the long run.

*And this song:

"Slow down, darling, slow down
There ain't no reason you gotta be moving around like that
There ain't no reason you gotta be moving so, so fast
Slow down
Slow down"
- Shawn McDonald; Slow Down

It doesn't matter

No matter how many times I wash all the dishes myself, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am woken up at 4 AM by loud noises, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am forgotten, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I find my food is missing, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I have to buy the toilet paper, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I clean and sanitize the front room and the bathroom by myself, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I overhear gossip about myself or my friends, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am belittled or snapped out, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I feel unappreciated, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am the only person to take out the trash without being asked, I will forgive.
No matter how many times I am made to feel naive, inadequate, or stupid by those who feel they have more experience or intelligence or maturity, I will forgive.
None of that matters when I consider that Jesus loves me as much as everyone else on this planet. None of that matters when I know that I am also guilty of being the one who hurts or belittles or is inhospitable about cleaning up after myself. These are the days that the Lord has made...I have very few of them...and so I will rejoice in my blessings and attempt to rejoice in the things that make me so angry or frustrated or sad that I just feel like giving up.
Truly loving someone is hard. Really hard. Especially when you're living in a room the size of some peoples' closets.


'Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."'

Matthew 18:21-22

I'm ridiculous.

I really dislike classes and work right now. Work feels like I'm running around in pointless circles and classes are eating my lunch. I just want to play all day and hang out with people. Sigh.
I've noticed lately that I am a very unkind person, even if I don't verbalize my thoughts. And my prayer life and study life (the kind where the Bible ISN'T a text book...what a concept!) are lacking. This environment of all religion classes, all the time, tends to wear down my desire to seek God for my heart because most of the time, I have to seek Him for my GPA.
I don't think I would ever make it through seminary. Really.
But anyway, back to being unkind. Have you ever noticed yourself beginning to say something, and then you realize you're saying it about someone, and then you spend the rest of the day kicking yourself because you're no better than you think they are? I'm such a hypocrite. I don't understand why I just can't stop gossiping about people and verbalizing how much they irritate me and telling people why I think this person shouldn't be in that position because of such and such and such...I play back what I said earlier in the day right before I go to bed at night and I put my foot in my mouth every single time. I am no better than they are, and yet I think I am in my own little world.
I'm ridiculous. Prayers that the ridiculousness would begin to be conquered by the Word and the tact to bite my tongue would be very appreciated.


The wonder of the cross
Breathe in deeper now
Breathe in the wonder of the cross
I don't wanna move...

more BD for your hearts

the orphan clings to Your hand
singing the song of how he was found
the widow rejoices
for her oppressors are silenced now

the runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
the rich man is broken
when he stares into a sky full of stars

You sit at the table
with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories
with the thief and the whore
when You could just be silent
and leave us here to die
still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Who I Am Not

I saw this picture for the first time in a long time yesterday. And even though I know it's a picture of me, looking at the girl in this shot seems like looking into a part of someone else's life.
This girl, when this shot had been taken, hadn't eaten anything for at least four days. She had thrown a ring onto a fast-moving highway in a temper and put on the pictured one out of spite. She had cut off her hair rashly and in (even if she didn't admit it) shame. She had talked and talked and talked for about a day until she cried...and then she didn't talk much at all. She did not want to be sitting in that room. She did not want to be photographed. She did not want to laugh. She was struggling with the closest things she had ever felt to hatred and depression. She just wanted to be left alone.
That weekend, however, a pat on the back and a kind word sparked hope in her again. A walk and a conversation in the freezing night showed her that people thought about her and wanted her to be okay. A lot of time outside, away from the city and away from people, showed her that God, above all, wanted her to be okay more than she herself wanted to be okay.
This girl, interestingly, also had an impossibly clean dorm room during that next semester. Her room now, however, is usually pretty messy. Not only because she's busier than that year, but also because she no longer worries about someone walking in and being unimpressed with yet another thing in her life (such as a dirty room). She now has freedom to smile and know that she is loved and daily encouraged. She now has the calm to be cheerful and convinced that God's freedom is for her and for those who hurt her now and then. And what's more, that freedom gives her the strength to laugh and welcome people into her presence without a shudder or a second thought. This girl is loved beyond what she thought she would ever have in her life...and much more than she knows she deserves.
That's why looking at this picture seems like looking at someone else.
That girl isn't me anymore.

Light Shining Down

I'm fighting some hateful feelings that I really don't like right now. But Bethany Dillon's music is rocking my world.

the Calmer of the sea
here in this room with me
so gently welcoming
the weakest things in me
You are the blood over
the door of my heart
what pain You've spared me from!
how could I know at all?

o, Wonderful Love! You died for me!
the power of Your life is in me

Father, let Your light shine down on me
Father, let Your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father, let Your light shine down on me

Jesus Christ is ris'n today, Alleluia!

I love Easter. I mean, think about it...Jesus is alive, there are flowers EVERYWHERE, lots of pretty colors, cute kids, some of my favorite church hymns, people are happy, and I get to eat Peeps and German and Wendish (German potatoes, German chocolate cake, Wendish pickles, etc) food. I even got a Wendish-painted easter egg in my basket today!
Man, I just love Easter.
And what's more, I love the reason it exists.

Home

Running: something I have always enjoyed, but something I enjoy even more with an iPod. I ran nearly three miles today just because I was jamming out to Bethany Dillon. Her music is so joyful and honest and uplifting - I found myself actually singing along and pumping my fist up in the air (really) as I was jogging along. I'm never that motivated when I'm running. I guess it's because I resonate so much with Bethany Dillon. She's a few months younger than I am and she's getting married in less than two weeks. I admire her extreme honesty in her songs and her gentle humility in being praised (while still knowing that she is incredible), and the fact that she has the bravery and maturity to be engaged and married at age 19. I've never been one to feel the need to write a letter to any celebrity or singer before, but now I do. I feel as though if I met Bethany, we'd probably have a lot in common.
Anyway, after I went running this morning, I took a shower, ate lunch, did a Mystic Tan thing (which was pretty cool - no cancer box), went to the grocery store with Mom, read, took a nap, went and hung out with my sister, came home, ate dinner, did some Good Friday devotions in my room, and then did nothing. I love being at home. But man...I miss that boy I like quite a bit. I am so blessed to have him.
Oh, and my roommate got engaged tonight.
And Jesus died for my sins. I will never understand this. Even on days when it seems more real to me, like today.
I will never understand real love. I hope Jesus is okay with that.

Things I Recently Realized

Things I have realized over Spring Break:
1. I hate spring in Houston. Actually, it just hates me. And my respiratory system.
2. Dan in Real Life is one of my favorite movies in the world.
3. That I know my best friend is officially my best friend when we can drive places in complete comfortable silence. And because she's been with me for over five years now. I think that's the longest ongoing relationship I've ever had with someone beyond my family.
4. Money is not the end-all of life. Even if it feels like it sometimes.
5. Being grown up is something I will never totally figure out.
6. That it's been a long time since I've had more than one really close girlfriend. It feels good to be able to trust girls again.
7. I miss my family. And being at home. But I will admit...it will be very different for me to be living with them this summer instead of being at camp.
8. Going to bookstores and spending hours in them is one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.
9. People are endlessly complicated. This isn't a recent realization, but an ongoing one.
10. Sometimes you just know. Don't you?

Lucky woman? Right here.

I am constantly amazed at how uplifting, pure, and encouraging my boyfriend really is. I will never cease to be blown away by how much he truly cares for people and their unity and Christ's body working together for Christ's purpose. I learn so much from him every day of my life that I am blessed to experience with him. I mean, how can a man who is SO purposeful in making sure that God is his forever guide be unsuccessful in doing what he is passionate about and led to? My boyfriend is an amazing leader, and he unites more people than he thinks he does. And he definitely unites more people than some people think he does.
But they will see, my dear readers, whoever you are.
They and the world will see. =]

CS Lewis

'The children got out of the boat and waded - not towards the wave but southward with the wall of water on their left. They could not have told you why they did this; it was their fate. And though they had felt - and been - very grown up on the Dawn Treader, they now felt just the opposite and held hands as they waded through the lilies. They never felt tired. The water was warm and all the time it got shallower. At last they were on dry sand, and then on grass - a huge plain of very fine short grass, almost level with the Silver Sea and spreading in every direction without so much as a molehill.
And of course, as it always does in a perfectly flat place without trees, it looked as if the sky came down to meet the grass in front of them. But as they went on they got the strangest impression that here at least the sky did really come down and join the earth - a blue wall, very bright, but real and solid, more like glass than anything else. And soon they were quite sure of it. It was very near now.
But between them and the foot of the sky there was something so white on the green grass that even with their eagles' eyes they could hardly look at it. They came on and saw that it was a Lamb.
"Come and have breakfast," said the Lamb in its sweet, milky voice.
Then they noticed for the first time that there was a fire lit on the grass and fish roasting on it. They sat down and ate the fish, hungry now for the first time for many days. And it was the most delicious food they had ever tasted.
"Please, Lamb," said Lucy, "is this the way to Aslan's country?"
"Not for you," said the Lamb. "For you the door into Aslan's country is from your own world."
"What!" said Edmund. "is there a way into Aslan's country from our world too?"
"There is a way into my country from all the worlds," said the Lamb; but as he spoke his snowy white flushed into tawny gold and his size changed and he was Aslan himself, towering above them and scattering light from his mane.
"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?"
"I shall be telling you all the time," said Aslan. "But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder. And now come; I will open the door in the sky and send you to your own land."
"Please, Aslan," said Lucy. "Before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do make it soon."
"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."
"Oh Aslan!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.
"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."
"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear heart," said Aslan.
"Are-are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I Am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."
"And is Eustace never to come back here, either?" said Lucy.
"Child," said Aslan, "do you really need to know that? Come, I am opening the door in the sky." Then all in one moment there was a rending of the blue wall (like a curtain being torn) and a terrible white light from beyond the sky, and the feel of Aslan's mane and a Lion's kiss on their foreheads and then - the back bedroom in Aunt Alberta's home at Cambridge.'


The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is the best fairy tale I've read in a long time...I almost cried reading this last part. If you've never read the Chronicles (as I never had before I took a class here that required it) I strongly suggest you do. This one is my favorite so far. I'll let you know how the other four that I haven't read yet turn out.

Continual good?

Go vote today in the primaries, Texans! Well, learn about the candidates, and then go vote.
I find it funny a lot of the time that when I'm having a good day or a string of good days, I never tell anyone about it. Almost like if I do, the good will suddenly take a drastic turn for the worst.
Well, I'm stepping out. I had a good day yesterday and I just aced a test this morning...
Here's to hoping it stays that way!

YESSSSSSSSSS

I got my scholarship renewed!
God is so good, all the time!

Scandalous

We sang this song a few weeks ago in Echo, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. Something about calling the death of Christ scandalous really resounds with me. Because it really was scandalous...betrayal, bribes, murder. I'm learning in Christian Imagination (one of my classes) that the Gospel is the only "true myth," or story that connects the mythical with reality. The death and resurrection of Jesus is DRAMA. Which is funny, because I hate drama in my own life...but Jesus was all about the drama. He was all about shocking the Pharisees and reaching out to the hated. Jesus' earthly story was full of mercy, death, sickness, miracles, rescue, sorrow, evil villains, beauty, spiritual forces, a king and his disciples, etc...

Jesus' story of rescue is the best fairy tale. And the little girl in me loves that. =]

go on up to the mountain of mercy
to the crimson perpetual tide

kneel down on the shore
be thirsty no more
go under and be purified

follow Christ to the holy mountain
sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
cleanse your heart and your soul
in the fountain that flows
for you and for me and for all

on the hillside, you will be delivered
at the foot of the cross justified
and your spirit restored
by the river that poured
from our blessed Savior's side

at the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
on that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
on that beautiful, scandalous night

Beautiful

There are so many beautiful things in life. I had coffee with a friend last night who only mirrored my joy and helped me to see it more clearly, and now I feel like I ought to begin listing them.

The recent sunshine.
Black and white photographs.
Flowers.
Pearls.
The bright, shiny penny I found this morning.
The fact that Spring Break is less than two weeks away...and that I get to spend most of it with my BFFEAEAIC. =]
Traveling to places, which I will be doing soon!
Cooking, especially on Monday nights for some awesome people from UT.
Sunday: late church mornings, naps, and evening potluck and church.
Quilts.
Singing.
Organizing and bleaching things. Really.
Getting pedicures.
Dancing.
My amazing list of the best Austin restaurants: Juan in a Million, Chuy's, Catfish Parlor, Smokey Mo's...
Living at home this summer.
SUMMERTIME!
Listening to Ted play guitar.
Trying new kinds of tea.
Sleeping in.
Sand volleyball.
Stretching (considering yoga).
The focus that comes from the Lenten season and the approach of Easter with all its happiness.
The comfort I find in trusting that God will use me wherever I am...and the comfort that I believe that somewhere is still at Concordia, even though most days I don't understand why.
Growing up...and taking mature steps to indeed, truly grow up.
I'm almost NOT a teenager anymore. Thank You, Jesus.
My parents, who have raised me well and who are very wise.
My sister, who has an intimidating beauty and can always make me laugh.
My friends, who show me more love than I deserve.
My boyfriend, who constantly amazes me with his servant heart, prayerful habits, kindness, sense of humor, and loving nature. That boy understands me more than any other one ever has...even when I don't understand myself. I don't get it.
Freedom. Sweet, sweet, blessed freedom from Jesus Christ, who calls me to obedience and in turn, frees me.

If you're the praying type...

Please pray for me around 11:30 or so tomorrow.
I have an interview to re-receive a huge scholarship for the next two years, and I'm prepared not to get it again.
Ahhh anxiety...and I have a test tomorrow, too. ANGST!

Assertive

Someone told me today that they were afraid that I was angry at them because I walked by without acknowledging them. They had even said hello, apparently. I explained that no, I wasn't angry, but that I was having a stressful day and did not even remember seeing them this afternoon.
Chambers once told me that if I had an Indian name, it would be "Walks With A Purpose." Chambers is a very insightful man and I agree with him.
Although some days...I wish I wasn't that way.
Some days I wish I could be as carefree and extroverted as some of my favorite people. Some days I wish I wasn't so serious and wrapped up in my thoughts that I would wake up and look around me and just go have fun. Some days I wish I was the popular, pretty girl who everyone admired.
Some days I just wish I was someone else.

Obedience

I did not realize until today how unforgiving I truly am.
I say all the time that Christianity just goes back to love (God is love, after all), but in reality, I do not love as I ought to. I like to love the people who don't hurt me or others. I like to love selfishly, where people see me and commend me in their minds and with their words. I gossip about people constantly, and when people piss me off or make it difficult to love them in general, I check out and list off reasons to myself why it isn't worth it to make an effort to understand them. Everyone falls into this category...roommates, old friends, best friends, sisters, cousins, parents, anyone. If you make me mad or hurt me...I have very little patience or forgiveness for you.
I hate the evil I do, and yet I do it anyway. What a wretched woman I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to Christ Jesus my Lord, who daily rescues me from my own helplessness, and who daily reminds me that there is no winning and losing in lists of wrongs kept against those who hurt me. Only peace and the lack thereof.
From obedience comes freedom: what a beautiful paradox.
What a beautiful God.

P.S. On a happier note, I am in love with the most wonderful man I have ever met in my entire life. Hands down. He is incredible. I don't understand why God gave him to me, the most unforgiving of people. I will never understand how he loves me and others so purely.
There is a quote in Sex God, a book by Rob Bell, that states that "If a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower."
I am constantly blooming.

A House Divided

I wonder if it's really possible anymore to spread Christ by word of mouth, in a wave of movement, as it was when Paul and Peter and other people walked all over the created world as they knew it, carrying nothing but blind trust. I want to believe that it's possible, but my Americanized world view and mindset rebels so thoroughly that I sit and speculate...could it happen? I pray so very earnestly that it could. I want to be part of something that does just that. I want to be part of something that is real - something that cares about people. Truly cares, as Jesus would and does.

I live on a campus so rigidly divided that I sometimes catch myself thinking that it isn't worth it to go into church work. I feel like the future pastors being trained here are so focused in on their theology and minute details that they are like someone looking in a microscope so closely at something that they have forgotten what is under the microscope at all. They are so concerned with the tiniest things which don't matter when one looks around Concordia and sees hurting people who need others who have the knowledge and the faith that God loves them to go to them and tell them that they ARE loved. Screw all this "insincerity in leading worship" and systematic theology crap.

I want people who are going to be leading our churches one day to wake up and see where the true will of God lies: in His people. And as my wise mother always says: "People won't listen to you until they know you give a damn about them."

Come on, church. Wake up. Give a damn.