frightening

I've been thinking a lot of heavy thoughts lately, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm being drawn closer and closer to the heart of God, which is altogether strange and beautiful and frightening. I feel like my conscience, which I have always been so adept at pushing aside and hiding away, is eating away at the corners of my mind where it usually resides. I feel like the Spirit of the Most High God, Who is completely beyond and above and so far away from my sinful heart, has been pushing at the walls of my normal limits, whispering in my ear, asking me to do and say things I normally wouldn't say from lack of bravery or lack of conviction.
I feel like there is a flame in my soul that has suddenly flared up and has given me more love to feel for people than I have ever felt before.
And I don't know why I feel like I can't handle it.
I can't handle it. I just can't. I feel sometimes like I am going to explode from being so consumed with the love and grace of God because I can't open my mouth and sing it out or just put my face to the floor and weep. I struggle even to half-raise my arms in the air during worship.
What is happening to me?
What is this that keeps pulling at my mind and heart and spirit, that causes me to want to look at people the way Jesus sees them?
I should desperately covet this season of full color in my life, right? I should be rejoicing because of how clear things seem these days...
And yet...
I'm so afraid of it all. I'm so afraid of Him. I'm so afraid of accepting what He has recently given me to use for His children...
And so as a result, I've lately been more closed off than usual. And if you know me, that is first) not rare, and second) a little worrying.
I sat down to pray with someone last week and within a minute, she was crying. Bawling. Telling me about her bad day, her deepest struggles, her abusive past.
I didn't even know her last name.
I felt like I was looking at the most beautiful piece of creation God had ever made, crushed by sin and circumstance, and I felt like I wanted to just hold her and weep, because I knew how much Jesus loves her and did not feel like there were adequate words to tell her this.
I've never felt anything like this in me before. I've never felt afraid of how much I love people. I'm usually begging God to help me to love them more.
And now, when He does, I just want to curl up in my bed and hide.
I heard Him speak in me a couple of weeks ago, when school first began: "I am beginning a great work in you."

Abba, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm scared. Please help me to be vulnerable and breakable and teachable. Help me to be meek and understanding. Help me listen to Your words in my heart and carry out Your commands daily. Embolden me and carry me.



a refuge for the poor
a shelter from the storm
this is our God
He will wipe away your tears
and return your wasted years
this is our God

a father to the orphaned
a healer to the broken
this is our God
He brings peace to our madness
and comfort in our sadness
this is our God

a fountain for the thirsty
a lover for the lonely
this is our God
He brings to glory to the humble
and crowns for the faithful
this is our God

this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for...
this is our God.

You are the One we have waited for
You have been and are and always will be
the One we have waited for
You are our God.

-Tomlin