control

"In different times and in different ways, our heavenly Father offers us a simple proposition: Follow Me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd - and you will experience Me and My power and My wisdom and My love.
Jesus beckons me to follow Him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much He loves me.
But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I'd rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn't show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don't have to take the shallow breaths of desperation."

This is from Gary Haugen (founder of International Justice Mission) in his book Just Courage.

I don't want to hand over my control. I don't want to have to apologize in complete humility. I hate humility.

Father, work in me. Lead me on. Lead me on to the places I don't want to go...

Why?

I've lately been pondering the ways Satan gets at me. Most often, it's an issue of self-worth.
I know this is something that all women struggle with (and men, too), but for me, it's more than just body image. It's all images - body, spiritual, intellectual, sociological, financial, etc. You name it, I probably don't like it about myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself...I just don't consider myself to be worth much. It's hard for me to engage in or initiate new friendships or even just be in simple conversations because I don't want to be overbearing on the other person by being too friendly or too talkative or too whatever. I'm so afraid of being too much. It amazes me (and is hard for me to comprehend) when anyone tells me that they think I'm beautiful or talented or smart. For so long, I've been burned in all of those areas. Rejected by those I've been vulnerable with. Replaced by those I consider to be much more beautiful and outgoing and intelligent than I am. Been made invisible. Been belittled. Been analyzed and put into my little box on the shelf, and not allowed to escape.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He thinks I'm worth bearing as a burden.
If you haven't noticed yet, I hate burdening people. I loathe it. I don't open up, I keep myself closed off, and I go along my lonely little way and try to scrape through and take care of myself without being a nuisance.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He put people into my life who have shown me - and walked beside me to help with the burdens - that I am worth it.
Confession, people...I'm a DCE. I love kids. I love telling kids about Jesus. I love loving them to show them that Jesus loves them.
But I don't always believe Jesus loves me.
Shocking? I know. Sorry if I just crushed your image of me. Trust me, it shouldn't have been very perfect in the first place.
I have no trouble believing that God exists. I know He exists. I've seen Him very clearly.
I have a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to Him. I think that comes from having a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to anyone else.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone else feel flabbergasted when one of the most beautiful, popular girls you know of tell you that she wishes she had your face? I just don't believe it. And I don't say that to brag about humility...I mean to say, I
really.
just.
don't.
believe.
her.
Which makes me wonder...as a DCE...actually, just as a Christian...if I did believe her...if I did believe God's promises and truly feel like His grace applies to me...
Who would I be?
Why does the devil have that particular struggle scratched into the walls of my heart? If I didn't believe him, who would I be? What would I be like?
And why is he trying to keep me from being that person?