I've lately been pondering the ways Satan gets at me. Most often, it's an issue of self-worth.
I know this is something that all women struggle with (and men, too), but for me, it's more than just body image. It's all images - body, spiritual, intellectual, sociological, financial, etc. You name it, I probably don't like it about myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself...I just don't consider myself to be worth much. It's hard for me to engage in or initiate new friendships or even just be in simple conversations because I don't want to be overbearing on the other person by being too friendly or too talkative or too whatever. I'm so afraid of being too much. It amazes me (and is hard for me to comprehend) when anyone tells me that they think I'm beautiful or talented or smart. For so long, I've been burned in all of those areas. Rejected by those I've been vulnerable with. Replaced by those I consider to be much more beautiful and outgoing and intelligent than I am. Been made invisible. Been belittled. Been analyzed and put into my little box on the shelf, and not allowed to escape.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He thinks I'm worth bearing as a burden.
If you haven't noticed yet, I hate burdening people. I loathe it. I don't open up, I keep myself closed off, and I go along my lonely little way and try to scrape through and take care of myself without being a nuisance.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He put people into my life who have shown me - and walked beside me to help with the burdens - that I am worth it.
Confession, people...I'm a DCE. I love kids. I love telling kids about Jesus. I love loving them to show them that Jesus loves them.
But I don't always believe Jesus loves me.
Shocking? I know. Sorry if I just crushed your image of me. Trust me, it shouldn't have been very perfect in the first place.
I have no trouble believing that God exists. I know He exists. I've seen Him very clearly.
I have a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to Him. I think that comes from having a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to anyone else.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone else feel flabbergasted when one of the most beautiful, popular girls you know of tell you that she wishes she had your face? I just don't believe it. And I don't say that to brag about humility...I mean to say, I
really.
just.
don't.
believe.
her.
Which makes me wonder...as a DCE...actually, just as a Christian...if I did believe her...if I did believe God's promises and truly feel like His grace applies to me...
Who would I be?
Why does the devil have that particular struggle scratched into the walls of my heart? If I didn't believe him, who would I be? What would I be like?
And why is he trying to keep me from being that person?
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lead me on to the place where the river runs and into Your keeping...lead me on.
3 comments:
Chels-
It's amazing...that's me too. How can I know all of the promises of Christ in my head and not have them the cornerstone of my everyday life? Why do I assume that people would rather be friends with someone besides me? Do I think I have that little to offer? These all just keep rolling around in my head... (and that doesn't even touch the whole guy thing)
Point - I love you. I'm praying for you. I miss you. I will see you at Christmas, right? (because that's not nearly soon enough...but the best I can do)
-Anna
Ah Chelsey... You are not alone. You have put into words the life that I have so often lived. I thank God that I have had opportunities to glimpse the person that is me when I truly allow myself to live. I like that person. She is confident and fun. She lives life to its fullest. Then the devil rears his ugly head and brings a new form of fear or doubt into my life. Often times I'm not careful and succumb to the lies he is telling me. I lose a grip on what God has shown me and fall back into the old ways. Although it wasn't that I lost my grip on God, He was doing all the work the whole time. Rather I jumped from his hand into the dark pit of doubt.
Here is me saying something I should be saying to myself... God has already given you the strength to fight off the devil in his attempts to drag you down. I pray your eyes would be opened to God's strength in your life and that you would use that to live as He intended. Even if only for a short while...
-E
My darling, Chelsey-
You are not alone. I have dealt with feelings of being "not enough" and being "too much" through out my entire life. Through Grace Groups and other places of healing, I have learned that these feelings stem from illegitimate shame. Shame that we bear even though it is not ours to bear. Shame that is brought on through wounds and heartaches. Unfortunately, everyone feels these aches and pains of our heart. That we aren't worth the love that we receive from family, friends, or even our Heavenly Father. If you can identify the specific times that you feel this way or even remember the first time that you felt like you weren't enough...that is a huge step. When I often get feelings flooded with shame, I stop and I try to think back to why I feel this way. There is always an underlying meaning behind the shame. A lot of time Satan uses the shame to tear us from God, so be cautious. If you need someone to help you work through the feelings, or someone to speak truth into your life...I am here. I will always be here for you. I can honestly tell you that you are captivating, you are beautiful, and most of all, you are a caring and wonderful daughter of Christ. You are good enough. You are good enough for Ted, for your family, for your friends, and especially and most importantly, you are good enough for God. You are good enough for Him to make a special plan and a special purpose for your life. I know it won't help stop those feelings, but I pray that you would know and that God and those around you can shed more light and truth into your life that you can see your worth in this world. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I love you.
Kirstin
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