thankfulness

I am feeling convicted of a lot of things tonight, and I am so grateful for it.
Thank You, God, for my roommate and Your Word and the gift of prayer and for the ways in which You take care of me and teach me. I love You...help me to prove that in my actions. I really need Your help. I also need Your help getting all these papers done...
Oh, and a shout-out to anyone reading who wants some new music to listen to - check out Jenny & Tyler on iTunes. Awesome.
Seriously, check them out. I'm not even kidding.

where are You?

Something is wrong, and I'm not sure what it is.
I feel disconnected and I'm not sure why. You'd think that after being so terrifyingly close to the heart of God a few months ago, I would welcome this respite of not being so near "the fire."
But I miss it. It hurt and it made me re-think so many things, but I miss it.
I go to this Bible study on Wednesday nights with a group of girls that I used to be really close to, but in the past year or so, have been extremely disconnected from. Recently, that has started to change, and I still feel torn as to whether or not it's somewhere I should be. I mean, I feel like I should be there to mend those friendships (and to let those friendships speak truth and love into my life, which some definitely do), but I often disagree with what is said there. I don't disagree out loud - which is weird for me, I know - but my heart just feels twisted up in knots when they begin to subtly rejoice that one of my dear friends is resigning from his job. They rejoice because they felt neglected by him this past summer while he was in said position.
Yes, that happened tonight. And yes, I wanted so very badly to just stand up and demand why they felt like they could act in such a way or say such things when they were the ones who had neglected to care for me the summer before that.
But instead, I sat and listened. I actually sat next to the girl who played the victim in the situation where I actually was the victim two summers ago. And I said nothing as they smiled and nodded knowingly at one another.
Does this bitterness mean that I haven't forgiven them? Or does the fact that I know I have no right to say or do anything because of my own sin mean that I have forgiven them?
I just keep going in circles. Circles of "what does it mean to forgive?" Circles of "have I really forgiven?" Circles of "how do I know if I've really forgiven someone?"
Jesus, I need You to guide me out of the circles.
Actually, I just need You.
I need You to still my heart when it feels like it's being rent in pieces. I need You when I begin to reach the end of my rope from being the "bridge" between the spheres of my life - the Lone Star sphere, the Concordia sphere, the Kingwood sphere, my family and closest friends sphere, and trying to reconcile all of them together in my head.
It's just too hard, God. It's so hard to try and help them to all get along. Why do You want me to be this mediator between all of these people and all of these relationships?
And why are You doing it when it feels like You aren't even here?

control

"In different times and in different ways, our heavenly Father offers us a simple proposition: Follow Me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd - and you will experience Me and My power and My wisdom and My love.
Jesus beckons me to follow Him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much He loves me.
But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I'd rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn't show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don't have to take the shallow breaths of desperation."

This is from Gary Haugen (founder of International Justice Mission) in his book Just Courage.

I don't want to hand over my control. I don't want to have to apologize in complete humility. I hate humility.

Father, work in me. Lead me on. Lead me on to the places I don't want to go...

Why?

I've lately been pondering the ways Satan gets at me. Most often, it's an issue of self-worth.
I know this is something that all women struggle with (and men, too), but for me, it's more than just body image. It's all images - body, spiritual, intellectual, sociological, financial, etc. You name it, I probably don't like it about myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself...I just don't consider myself to be worth much. It's hard for me to engage in or initiate new friendships or even just be in simple conversations because I don't want to be overbearing on the other person by being too friendly or too talkative or too whatever. I'm so afraid of being too much. It amazes me (and is hard for me to comprehend) when anyone tells me that they think I'm beautiful or talented or smart. For so long, I've been burned in all of those areas. Rejected by those I've been vulnerable with. Replaced by those I consider to be much more beautiful and outgoing and intelligent than I am. Been made invisible. Been belittled. Been analyzed and put into my little box on the shelf, and not allowed to escape.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He thinks I'm worth bearing as a burden.
If you haven't noticed yet, I hate burdening people. I loathe it. I don't open up, I keep myself closed off, and I go along my lonely little way and try to scrape through and take care of myself without being a nuisance.
And yet...God thinks I'm worth something. He put people into my life who have shown me - and walked beside me to help with the burdens - that I am worth it.
Confession, people...I'm a DCE. I love kids. I love telling kids about Jesus. I love loving them to show them that Jesus loves them.
But I don't always believe Jesus loves me.
Shocking? I know. Sorry if I just crushed your image of me. Trust me, it shouldn't have been very perfect in the first place.
I have no trouble believing that God exists. I know He exists. I've seen Him very clearly.
I have a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to Him. I think that comes from having a lot of trouble believing that I'm important to anyone else.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone else feel flabbergasted when one of the most beautiful, popular girls you know of tell you that she wishes she had your face? I just don't believe it. And I don't say that to brag about humility...I mean to say, I
really.
just.
don't.
believe.
her.
Which makes me wonder...as a DCE...actually, just as a Christian...if I did believe her...if I did believe God's promises and truly feel like His grace applies to me...
Who would I be?
Why does the devil have that particular struggle scratched into the walls of my heart? If I didn't believe him, who would I be? What would I be like?
And why is he trying to keep me from being that person?

YESSSSSSSS

Dwight Schrute: So what do we know about her?

Michael Scott: Well…we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So…strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight Schrute: I hate her too.

Michael Scott: Why do you hate her?

Dwight Schrute: Because she...stinks. With her...ways. And her...head.

Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, sometimes...I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight Schrute: Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael Scott: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought. [pause] Although, I will agree that her head is weird.

I LOVE THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

frightening

I've been thinking a lot of heavy thoughts lately, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm being drawn closer and closer to the heart of God, which is altogether strange and beautiful and frightening. I feel like my conscience, which I have always been so adept at pushing aside and hiding away, is eating away at the corners of my mind where it usually resides. I feel like the Spirit of the Most High God, Who is completely beyond and above and so far away from my sinful heart, has been pushing at the walls of my normal limits, whispering in my ear, asking me to do and say things I normally wouldn't say from lack of bravery or lack of conviction.
I feel like there is a flame in my soul that has suddenly flared up and has given me more love to feel for people than I have ever felt before.
And I don't know why I feel like I can't handle it.
I can't handle it. I just can't. I feel sometimes like I am going to explode from being so consumed with the love and grace of God because I can't open my mouth and sing it out or just put my face to the floor and weep. I struggle even to half-raise my arms in the air during worship.
What is happening to me?
What is this that keeps pulling at my mind and heart and spirit, that causes me to want to look at people the way Jesus sees them?
I should desperately covet this season of full color in my life, right? I should be rejoicing because of how clear things seem these days...
And yet...
I'm so afraid of it all. I'm so afraid of Him. I'm so afraid of accepting what He has recently given me to use for His children...
And so as a result, I've lately been more closed off than usual. And if you know me, that is first) not rare, and second) a little worrying.
I sat down to pray with someone last week and within a minute, she was crying. Bawling. Telling me about her bad day, her deepest struggles, her abusive past.
I didn't even know her last name.
I felt like I was looking at the most beautiful piece of creation God had ever made, crushed by sin and circumstance, and I felt like I wanted to just hold her and weep, because I knew how much Jesus loves her and did not feel like there were adequate words to tell her this.
I've never felt anything like this in me before. I've never felt afraid of how much I love people. I'm usually begging God to help me to love them more.
And now, when He does, I just want to curl up in my bed and hide.
I heard Him speak in me a couple of weeks ago, when school first began: "I am beginning a great work in you."

Abba, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm scared. Please help me to be vulnerable and breakable and teachable. Help me to be meek and understanding. Help me listen to Your words in my heart and carry out Your commands daily. Embolden me and carry me.



a refuge for the poor
a shelter from the storm
this is our God
He will wipe away your tears
and return your wasted years
this is our God

a father to the orphaned
a healer to the broken
this is our God
He brings peace to our madness
and comfort in our sadness
this is our God

a fountain for the thirsty
a lover for the lonely
this is our God
He brings to glory to the humble
and crowns for the faithful
this is our God

this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for
this is the One we have waited for...
this is our God.

You are the One we have waited for
You have been and are and always will be
the One we have waited for
You are our God.

-Tomlin

to the girls.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk to you without getting sick to my stomach.

I wonder if you will be able to look me in the face and tell me exactly what you think of me.

I wonder if I put too much blame on you and not enough on myself.

I wonder if you're jealous of me, and if jealousy is the reason you act the way you do.

I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.

I wonder if we should ever be friends again.

I wonder if you really know what you're getting into.

I wonder what you're thinking.

I wonder where God is in all of this.

I wonder why no one bothers to actually talk to one another...instead, we post these stupid blogs about how we're feeling hurt or angry or lonely or desperate to connect with that person who made us feel that way in the first place, even if only to clear the air for good...because it's safe, and because it takes such less risk than actually speaking to someone in love.

Probably because speaking to someone in love risks rejection. Because speaking in love means we surrender our right to be "even" with someone, as if that person has wounded us in such a way that calls for payback.

No one deserves payback. And no one has the right to dish it out. And regardless of how much my life has moved on, gotten better, been blessed by people who really do care about me rather than just pretending to care, I still wonder about you. I still wonder if you're okay. Although my heart has healed from all of this crap, some strong and yet forlorn little piece of it - the part that cares in spite of my prejudice - yearns to hear from you, to know how you're doing, to know if you're okay, to know if I can do anything for you.

So even though my mind is wondering all of these things I've written above...I still want to make sure - even from afar - that you're alright.

So are you? Can I do anything for you? Do you need some help?

Please let me know.

I would be happier than you would ever imagine to give it my best and mend things between us.

I feel like it's the only way that I can stop wondering.