control

"In different times and in different ways, our heavenly Father offers us a simple proposition: Follow Me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd - and you will experience Me and My power and My wisdom and My love.
Jesus beckons me to follow Him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much He loves me.
But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I'd rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn't show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don't have to take the shallow breaths of desperation."

This is from Gary Haugen (founder of International Justice Mission) in his book Just Courage.

I don't want to hand over my control. I don't want to have to apologize in complete humility. I hate humility.

Father, work in me. Lead me on. Lead me on to the places I don't want to go...