Who I Am Not

I saw this picture for the first time in a long time yesterday. And even though I know it's a picture of me, looking at the girl in this shot seems like looking into a part of someone else's life.
This girl, when this shot had been taken, hadn't eaten anything for at least four days. She had thrown a ring onto a fast-moving highway in a temper and put on the pictured one out of spite. She had cut off her hair rashly and in (even if she didn't admit it) shame. She had talked and talked and talked for about a day until she cried...and then she didn't talk much at all. She did not want to be sitting in that room. She did not want to be photographed. She did not want to laugh. She was struggling with the closest things she had ever felt to hatred and depression. She just wanted to be left alone.
That weekend, however, a pat on the back and a kind word sparked hope in her again. A walk and a conversation in the freezing night showed her that people thought about her and wanted her to be okay. A lot of time outside, away from the city and away from people, showed her that God, above all, wanted her to be okay more than she herself wanted to be okay.
This girl, interestingly, also had an impossibly clean dorm room during that next semester. Her room now, however, is usually pretty messy. Not only because she's busier than that year, but also because she no longer worries about someone walking in and being unimpressed with yet another thing in her life (such as a dirty room). She now has freedom to smile and know that she is loved and daily encouraged. She now has the calm to be cheerful and convinced that God's freedom is for her and for those who hurt her now and then. And what's more, that freedom gives her the strength to laugh and welcome people into her presence without a shudder or a second thought. This girl is loved beyond what she thought she would ever have in her life...and much more than she knows she deserves.
That's why looking at this picture seems like looking at someone else.
That girl isn't me anymore.