I did not realize until today how unforgiving I truly am.
I say all the time that Christianity just goes back to love (God is love, after all), but in reality, I do not love as I ought to. I like to love the people who don't hurt me or others. I like to love selfishly, where people see me and commend me in their minds and with their words. I gossip about people constantly, and when people piss me off or make it difficult to love them in general, I check out and list off reasons to myself why it isn't worth it to make an effort to understand them. Everyone falls into this category...roommates, old friends, best friends, sisters, cousins, parents, anyone. If you make me mad or hurt me...I have very little patience or forgiveness for you.
I hate the evil I do, and yet I do it anyway. What a wretched woman I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to Christ Jesus my Lord, who daily rescues me from my own helplessness, and who daily reminds me that there is no winning and losing in lists of wrongs kept against those who hurt me. Only peace and the lack thereof.
From obedience comes freedom: what a beautiful paradox.
What a beautiful God.
P.S. On a happier note, I am in love with the most wonderful man I have ever met in my entire life. Hands down. He is incredible. I don't understand why God gave him to me, the most unforgiving of people. I will never understand how he loves me and others so purely.
There is a quote in Sex God, a book by Rob Bell, that states that "If a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower."
I am constantly blooming.
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lead me on to the place where the river runs and into Your keeping...lead me on.
1 comment:
All I have is tears. Tears for the gut-wrenching truth of evil and grudges. Maybe not even conscious grudges, but they are present nonetheless. I, too, suffer from this. However, my tears are for the truth behind them...the beauty that God gives us from our ashes. The beauty in the cross and the salvation He gives to even those who betrayed Him or crucified Him. I don't know about you, but I crucify Christ everyday through my selfishness and the grudges I hold because I want to protect my heart from further pain. It is just a defense mechanism. Keep strong, darling, the Lord continues to love and to cherish. You are so true.
P.s. You have no idea how happy I am that you and your man have both been blessed with each other. I continue to pray for your relationship and for God's blessings unto you both. I could not be happier for you both. Love brings beauty, but remember that Christ is the ultimate love and the ultimate beauty.
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